As I lay in my bed the other night with Good Luck Charlie playing on Netflix on the computer beside me, a cup of Diet Dr Pepper calling my name even though the caffeine would keep me up all night, and a box of cookies screaming its temptation from the floor beside the bed, this conversation played over and over in my head.
Why do you have so much trouble trusting God?
I have had a lot of hurtful events take place in my life. {Several hurtful things that I cannot go into publicly}, my first car burned up before I even had it paid off, my dad committed suicide, 3 of my 4 children were born early and had to spend a week or more in the NICU, {more hurtful things that I cannot go into publicly}. Every time I feel like I'm making progress in trusting God, He allows something else to happen. I'm scared to trust Him. I'm afraid that He'll see that and allow me to be tested in that area to see if my trust is real. Almost as if He is taking advantage of my trust. I know that's not the case, but that's what it feels like.
Do you believe that God loves you?
(Confidently) Yes.
Do you love God?
Of course.
Do you believe that God's plan is perfect?
(Timidly) Yes.
Do you believe that God is in control of all things?
Definitely.
Even the bad things?
I believe that even though the bad things might not be His perfect plan, He does allow them.
So, if He allows bad things, then he's allowed the bad things you've experienced?
Exactly.
Which means He could have prevented them?
Yes.
Romans 8:28 says , "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." God's ultimate purpose is to bring glory to Himself. You say that you believe that God's plan is perfect and that He has allowed the bad things you've experienced. Whether you believe the truth of this verse is irrelevant. It's in the Bible, therefore it is true.
Well, I do believe it.
Good. Based on what you say you believe, along with this verse, you must see that all of the things you've experienced - whether they make any sense alone - are all working together for your good. One day you will have a story to tell, which will point others to God, bringing Him glory. He is using these events to further His cause. The question here is not whether you can trust God or not. You know you can trust Him. The true question is that which every Christian has had or will have to answer at some point. It is part of taking up your cross daily (Luke 9:23). Are you willing to endure hard things, some possibly even harder than that which you've already experienced, knowing that it is all part of His story for you that will eventually bring Him glory? Will you exercise faith (Hebrews 11:1) that God's plan is perfect even when it hurts? Is His ultimate glory important enough to you that you will boldly face whatever He asks of you?
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I have to admit that this is a hard question to answer. I have "counted the cost" (Proverbs 20:25, Luke 14:28). I understand what could be asked of me. Honestly, the possibilities keep me awake at night, and when I do finally sleep, fill my dreams. I've come to realize though that this requires a day by day answer. There is a reason that Luke says in 19:23 that we should take up our cross daily. This question requires a daily surrendering to Him. If I try to answer this question for tomorrow or the next day I will become overwhelmed and begin worrying, which goes directly against Matthew 6. I must answer this question for today only.
So, today, my answer is yes. Yes, God. I will boldly face, today, whatever you ask of me. Please give me the strength to do so. Walk with me each step of the way. Lead me along your path, and hold my hand as I walk through the hard places. Be near me. Help me to say, as David did in Psalm 23, "Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me."
