139

PSALM 139: 1-6 & 13-16

O LORD, you have examined my heart

   and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

   You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.

You see me when I travel

   and when I rest at home.

   You know everything I do.

You know what I'm going to say

   even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

   You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

   too great for me to understand!

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

   and knit me together in my mother's womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

   Your workmanship is marvelous - how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

   as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

   Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

   before a single day had passed.

This isn't . . .

This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be able to make them matching big sister/brother shirts like I did when Jennifer, Samantha, and Allison were born. They were supposed to be baseball themed like they were when CJ was born.

This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be surrounded by my children shortly before giving birth. We were supposed to take one last picture as a family of 7 like we did when all the others were born.

This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to make it to at least 38 weeks so that he would be fully "baked". I was supposed to be able to skip the NICU stay this time around like we were able to do with Elizabeth and Allison. (As of this writing, we're still about 15-20 minutes from knowing for sure whether he'll be staying there or not.)

This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to have an epidural that blocked the pain from my belly to my feet like I did with the 5 previous. I was supposed to be protected from the pain of pushing/delivering and not just the contractions. 

This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to have my 5 oldest waiting in the waiting room to come see their new brother. I was supposed to let them in my room to hold him and snuggle him and meet him face-to-face. I was supposed to be able to get at least one picture of us as a brand new family of 8.

This isn't the way it was supposed to be.  I was supposed to be sitting in my hospital room, recovering, with my newest baby boy curled up in my arms. I was supposed to have him by my side, not laying in a bassinet somewhere else in the hospital, trying to figure out this game of life on his own.

And then it hit me . . .

He's not alone. Joshua 1:9 says that God will never leave us or forsake us. He is in the room with my little boy right now. He is holding him in the palm of His hand. What an assurance that is for a mommy separated from her baby!

God's not surprised by any of these "supposed to be" moments. He's not surprised that I desired events to be a certain way. (Psalm 94:11) He knew beforehand that they wouldn't turn out the way I wanted them to. (Proverbs 16:9) He knew He had other plans for this moment in my life, in Chase's life, in Elizabeth's life, in Jennifer's life, in Samantha's life, in CJ's life, in Alison's life, and in Chance's life (Psalm 139)

Just because our circumstances say that Chance will be admitted to the NICU, doesn't mean he will. Johnson 16:24 says, "Until now, you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you WILL receive and your joy WILL be complete." (Emphasis added)

God's in charge and He isn't leaving me or my boy to figure this out or walk this alone. 

*Thank you, God, for your gentle reminders.*