Hope

Yesterday at church, we sang the old hymn, Because He Lives. This has been my favorite since I was a little girl. I sing it around the house all the time. It's one of the songs I sing when I'm rocking my babies. I sing it while I'm washing dishes and when I'm folding laundry. It's almost like it's just a part of me. I sing it without even thinking about it.

But yesterday? Yesterday I wasn't distracted with kids or clothes or dishes. I didn't have my mind on anything else. I was totally focused on the song I was singing. And for a slight second, it brought me to tears. I was taken back to that day. It's been almost 10 years, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. 

I remember staying awake all night waiting for him to come home. I remember praying and crying for hours on end. I remember police at our front door telling my mom that it was too soon to file a missing persons report. I remember her telling them that this wasn't normal for him. I remember her telling them that he was always home at the same time every day. I remember begging God to bring him home, even though, deep down, I already knew we would never see him again this side of eternity. I remember sitting in the living room feeling guilty because there had been multiple times over the past several months that I had had the feeling that something wasn't right with him. I remember vividly thinking he wasn't okay. 

I remember the next morning getting a phone call that he had been found. I remember a glimmer of hope that he was still alive. I remember that hope come crashing down when we found out he had ended his life. I remember our car pulling into the parking lot of the warehouse where he worked. I remember seeing the ambulance with its flashing lights. I remember seeing his car, walking toward it, laying my head on the back window with my arms outstretched, as if I was trying to hug him while hugging his car instead, all while my mom screamed at me to "don't go in there!" because she thought I was going to try to find him. I remember the police questioning my mom as a suspect even though there was no possible way a woman that small could have done that to man as big as he was! 

I remember days of looking through pictures, of planning a funeral. I remember floods of people pouring through our house bring cards and money and food and words of encouragement. 

I remember the funeral with friends sharing our grief. I remember my "nephew" - who was just 3 at the time, sitting on the front row with us and asking his mom, loudly, why that man was sleeping in church. I remember the giggles rippling through the church as people responded to the little boy's innocence and tried to remain reverent at the same time. I remember enjoying having kids come to our house and the funeral because they brought laughter and joy and happiness during a dark time. I remember speaking at my dad's funeral, though I don't remember what I said. I remember the slide show we put together, and I remember the friends who sang and which song they shared. But mostly? 

Mostly, I remember singing a congregational hymn. And I remember, after everyone had exited, our family gathered around his casket and sang the chorus of that hymn accapella. The hymn? Because He Lives. 

At the time, I knew it was true though my heart had trouble believing it. These past 9.5 years, I have struggled with trying to figure out what I learned through that experience. My family all talks about how they have learned to trust God more because He has proven that He is there for us. I, on the other hand, have been saying that it made it harder for me to trust Him. I mean, I know I can trust that He is able to do anything. But trusting that He will? That's a whole other ballgame. While the death of my father has proven to have positive outcomes for my family, I felt like it only had a negative impact on me. 

And then Sunday came. Sunday morning, the tears dried up as quickly as they came. My sadness turned around. Joy came in the morning, just as His Word says it will. 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Whether that tomorrow is the death of a parent or other family member. Or a spouse addicted to pornography or having an affair. Or financial problems. Or an illness. Or a rebellious child. Or even something as small as burning dinner or misplacing an important piece of paper. WE can face tomorrow because of Him.
 

Then there's this. "Life is worth the living, just because He lives". Our tomorrows may be painful. They may be filled with deep, deep valleys. They may have mountains so tall and steep that it feels doubtful we'll ever reach the top. On the other hand, we may live a peaceful, joyful, happy existence with never an issue in sight. Whichever path our lives take, those situations can be learning experiences, but they're not our reason for living. They're not what makes or breaks life. They are but a brief moment in all of creation. The only thing that makes life worth living is because He lives. Without that, nothing matters. Even the person with the easiest life has no hope. With that, the death of a loved one, illness, unfaithfulness of a spouse, it is painful, but it doesn't remove the hope we have.

The second verse, though, is what spoke to me most.

"How sweet to hold a newborn baby

And feel the pride and joy he gives

But greater still the calm assurance

This child can face uncertain day because Christ lives"

I've always loved this verse. When I was little it was because it said something about a baby, and we all know how I feel about those! In more recent years, since I've started having children of my own, it's become a promise that my children can face those uncertain days. Sunday it became personal. I can face uncertain days. Not my mom and stepdad. Not my grandparents. Not my siblings or my nieces and nephews. Not my husband. Not my children. Not my grandchildren or great-grandchildren.

But me.

I can face uncertain days.

I've always known God can do anything. I've struggled with will He? Ya know what? It doesn't matter. I may walk through dark valley. I may face painful times. There will most likely be tears and hurts. He will be with me through it all. He will walk beside me. He will hold my hand. He will dry my tears. He may even carry me at times. But He will never leave me. How do I know? Because He has promised, and Because He Lives, I can trust that He will keep that promise.

Everything He does and everything He allows is part of a greater plan to draw me and others closer to Him and to reveal His glory among other aspects of His character. If it's for His glory, surely I can face uncertain days, no matter what they contain. He will never leave me or forsake me. He Lives.

 

Because He Lives

God sent His son

They called Him Jesus

He came to love, heal, and forgive

He lived and died to buy my pardon

An empty grave is there to prove my savior lives

Because He lives, I am face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living just 

Because He lives

How sweet to hold a newborn baby

And feel the pride and joy he gives

But greater still the calm assurance

This child can face uncertain day because Christ lives

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living just

Because He lives

And then one day, I'll cross the river

I'll fight life's final war with pain

And then as death gives way to victr'y

I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living just

Because He lives.