Bone Cancer

Proverbs 31:11a - after being honest with myself - is a hard pill to swallow. It says, "Her husband can trust her . . . " On the surface, that doesn't sound so hard. I've been faithful to him in our marriage. I don't lie to him about where I go or how I spend time and money. He can trust me.

But is that all that word means? So, once again, I began my search with dictionary.com.

Trust: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc of a person or thing; confidence

     Reliance: confident or trustful dependence

I sat and thought about this for a very long time and realized that he truly can trust me, depend on me, have confidence in me to . . .

1.) be stressed and grumpy by the end of the day.
2.) be upset about carpet stains and other little messes.
3.) be constantly cleaning and organizing instead of relaxing and hanging out.
4.) be worrying about debt and how to get it paid off.
5.) not be smiling and laughing and playful very often.
6.) be sad about not being close to family instead of enjoying the ones I do have.

There is probably MUCH more than those listed above, but this gave me plenty to start with! I was a little overwhelmed by just these few things God had revealed to me.

I fought it at first. There's nothing wrong with these things. But God showed me that I was consumed by them. They controlled my every thought and action. He also showed me that if I continue in this way Proverbs 12:4 and 14:1 will be more than just Bible verses; they will become reality.

Proverbs 12:4 says, "A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones."

Proverbs 14:1 says, "A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands."

These verses made me sad. Is this how I wanted my husband to view me? I can't imagine having the ability to be more precious than the rarest of rare gems and choosing instead to be as destructive as bone cancer. That grieves my heart like no other thought. To cause that kind of destruction to the man I love more than life itself . . .

And then Proverbs 31:11b caught my eye. It says "and she will greatly enrich his life". Hope sprang up in my heart! All I have to do is learn to be the opposite of those 6 things listed above and any others God reveals to me along the way.

It's not going to be an easy task. And the thought of being more precious than rubies doesn't seem to be enough of a goal anymore. The constant thought in my mind now is that if I don't change and become trustworthy in a positive way, my husband will waste away like a man consumed with bone cancer and my house will be torn down by my own hands.

God, give me strength to change!!